


Rejection

by lone_sandkorn



Series: Two faces of the same coin [3]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: AU, F/M, Light Angst, Love, Not A Fix-It, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-11-21 04:44:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11350113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lone_sandkorn/pseuds/lone_sandkorn
Summary: We always want to believe that we are the hero in our own tales. And often enough, we are. But not every tale has a happy ending, and not everybody gets to be the hero. This is a “what if” mini-fic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> not proofread whatsoever, I just wrote down what was in my head. I might do a follow up on this one but can't promise on that, yet.
> 
> Lots of love to all of you :)
> 
> make sure to follow me on tumblr, if you aren't already :)
> 
> https://lonesandkorn.tumblr.com/

It has been almost a year since Saeran has been released from the hospital and you found that after everything, you two just clicked.

 

You loved hanging out with all the RFA members, you loved them because they were your family. But Saeran was different.

 

You noticed it for the first time when you two basically had to spend some time together alone since all the others cancelled on short notice.

 

It was awkward at first, but after some time, you felt that you could talk about things with him, you couldn’t talk about with anybody else.

 

He wasn’t outstanding in giving advice since there were too many things he yet had to figure out, himself. But he always listened, and in his own way, he knew how to comfort you like no other person ever could.

 

When he smiled at you, it was like the buzzing sounds in this world would suddenly quiet down, finally letting you focus on the things that were actually important.

 

You were like magnets, always sticking together from there on.

 

Even the others noticed that and started playfully teasing you about being in love with each other. It was funny at first because you didn’t even consider being more than friends with him. But then, on one evening where the two of you were listening to his favourite music and talked about his past, you felt it.

 

The sun was going down, and the golden rays danced on his face as he spoke. He recently started to stop wearing his contacts, and as soon as the reddish-gold and his own amber eyes met, they formed their own kind of magic. You couldn’t look away. He was mesmerising, hauntingly beautiful.

 

It was the first time you actually touched each other. It was brief and only sporadic, a show of amicable affection towards him, but the whirlwind that started to form inside your pit was so evident, so right, that you knew what you really felt for him.

 

Since then, your whole world changed. 

Have his arms always been so slender? His smile always been so intriguing? His chest always been so inviting? His lips always been so lush?

 

You wonder.

 

If you were to tell him about your feelings, would he still smile at you? Would he tell you that he felt the same?

 

You don’t dare to ask, too self-aware of your own looks, your own character… so time only passes by without things changing between you two.

It has almost been a year for you to be stuck in this void. You treasured this friendship, but also found yourself growing more and more greedy.

 

You started touching him whenever it was possible, and he let you, even though you knew just how much he detested being touched by other people. But if it was you, it was okay.

 

 

And the little beast inside yourself starts to hope.

 

Because maybe he was falling for you just as much as you were falling for him. Because maybe, he was just as shy as you, both hoping for the other one to make the first step.

.

You open the door of his car and get into the passenger seat.

 

“Hey princess, looking fly today.” He gifts you with a warm smile. This smile would be the end of you. You reach out and quickly caress his cheeks before properly greeting him.

 

“Why thank you, you don’t look too bad, yourself.” He smirks and starts the engine. There is music playing on the radio, but you hear nothing but your beating heart. Today would be the da where you finally revealed your feelings to him.

 

You had been so nervous that you didn’t sleep last night, always trying to imagine every possible scenario of today.

 

You made extra sure you paid attention to your looks. You used the vanilla scented shampoo and straightened your hair. You’ve put on some light makeup and highlighted your lips – geez, you even put on the dress that bought for your birthday last year. It all had to be perfect.

 

The drive felt like hours, and you were too nervous to do some proper small talk. Saeran eventually asked what was going on with you.

 

It scares you, it’s too early. You didn’t plan on confessing right now and right here.

 

“I um… I’m just tired.” You manage to say.

 

Saeran looks at you funny. Then he drives to the side of the road and stops the car. “Okay then, let’s take a quick nap together. I’m rather drowsy, myself.”

 

He already started to lower the seat and patted on his chest. Did he – did he want you to lay you head on his chest?

You follow his invitation.

 

Your ear is right over his heart, beating in a rhythm that is both soothing and encouraging.

 

The beast inside your soul was sensing a change of fortune in the air. Maybe, just maybe…

 

You pull up your chin and look at him. His eyes were closed, but as soon as he noticed you looking at him, he started to smile.

 

“See something interesting?”

 

 

It’s now or never.

 

“What if said ‘yes’?” Now he is looking at you with wide eyes full of surprise.

 

The surprise is good, right?

 

“What if I said that what I see right now is more than interesting to me? What if this is the most exciting thing in the world to me?”

 

His expression is unreadable. Processing your words.  Something is growing in your stomach, like a massive cluster of lead that is starting to sink in.

 

 

Your body acts before you can think the better out of this.

 

 

The kiss feels odd. His lips are cold, and his body is pressed against his seat. He doesn’t brush you off, however.

 

You know it, then. You know it before you comprehend it. He doesn’t love you.

 

You dash back into your own seat, covering your face and fighting down the little sobs that almost escaped your lips. You were so pathetic. How could you ever think you had a chance?

 

Saeran remains frozen in his position.

 

“What- what just happened?”

 

Yes, what indeed.

 

For a second, you think about taking it back. But as soon as you want to speak, you just can’t. How could you take back your feelings for him?

“I kissed you because I thought our feelings were mutual.”  You hear the echo of your voice and don’t recognise the sound of it.

 

“I love you. Not as a brother but as a man. I – I thought that you might…. That you might love me, too.”

 

You feel so stupid and naïve, now that you’ve said it out loud.

 

He didn’t say a word after that. Not even after you insisted that he should drive you home. He just sat there in his stupid seat, behind this stupid wheel in this green car, mute as a fish, while you are left alone with the knowledge that you just ruined your friendship.

.

 

When you finally arrived at your apartment complex, the sun was going down again. But this time, it felt like it wanted to mock you with how ridiculously beautiful he looked in it. 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

It is so quiet that you’re not sure whether you actually heard the words or if it all was just inside your head.

 

His hands are clenched against the smooth leather surface of his seat.

 

“I didn’t know you felt this way. If I had known…. I will never be able to give you what you want. Whatever I can offer you, it will never be what you truly want from me. Sorry.”

 

 

 

 

 

It was a goodbye.

 

 

Your breath is shaky, and you try to remember every part of him, burning this image into your brain.

 

Then you close the door of the car and run into the building, not daring to ever look back.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deeply hurt and curled up inside your own shell, you decide to start living again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a follow up on the first chapter :)

It’s past 2 am already, but you still couldn’t get sleep to hold you tight and let you drown your sorrows into the land of dreams. And what would you have given to finally let yourself fall asleep... Because maybe, just maybe, you never had to wake up again – always and forever lingering in the world that you created and in which Saeran loved you back.

Saeran. That name sounds as beautiful as always inside your head, and you just can’t bring yourself to hate the ring of it. Just as you could never bring yourself to hate him as a person – which you’ve tried to do repeatedly over the last weeks. With no luck, you might add.

Because at the end of the day you know that if you were indeed able to hate him for not returning _your kind_ _of love_ – wouldn’t this make you nothing but a shallow woman? Would this not degrade your feelings for him? You loved him, you loved him, you loved him…. With every fibre of your body.

So…you should wish for him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with you, right? ...

Yes, you should do that. It is the last thought before you finally get sucked back into your own little world.

Another full week passes before you are finally able to face the other RFA members. It is Jaehee’s birthday, and you swore to yourself that you won’t let her down because of your own selfishness. Perhaps this was for the best. Perhaps this was what your dad always referred to as “getting back into the saddle” after an accident.

You take one last look into the mirror before heading out. The profound and dark bags under your eyes have been covered as good as you were able to cover them. All the physical evidence that remained from your emotional rollercoaster-trip were the slightly reddish eyeballs and your apparent weight loss. You felt discouraged again – what if they commented on it? Maybe you shouldn’t go, after all.

As if on cue, your head comes up with a gazillion excuses to get back into your comfy pyjamas and spend the rest of the day watching TV and eating junk food. You could just ignore your mobile phone, tell the others that you’ve left it at a friend’s house (yeah right, that wouldn’t hurt them at all; you’re being MIA with them for weeks but are able to meet with other people. Great idea) and thought that the party was tomorrow.

Then you thought about Saeran again. How hard it must have been to spend time with the people he once tried to hurt? Not knowing if they actually had forgiven him, or if they were just playing nice on Saeyoung’s behalf.

You know your insecurities right now are petty and small, compared to his’ back then. You wish you didn’t know it, but you do. Thus, you cannot ignore the party. You cannot isolate yourself from your friends and hurt them in the process. You can’t keep hurting Saeran, who didn’t do anything wrong.

You might have lost a friend in him, but he has lost a sister in you.

So you get going and leave the heavy door, that leads to your apartment, behind. Together with your feelings of humiliation and regret.

.

.

You’re too early. The party only starts at half, but you’re already standing in front of the small coffee shop. You hesitate again – god, get a grip -  and then pull down the door handle a little too hard. The little entry-sounds start ringing while you just stand inside the frame; the cold air from outside colliding with the warm and like coffee smelling air from inside.

Jaehee comes out of the bakery to see who it is. She looks surprised to see you. Had she thought you wouldn’t come? You can hardly blame her.

“Oh, it’s you! It is so good to see you, although it is still a bit early…” You’re getting embarrassed now. There was another bakery, just down the street, maybe you should have passed the time there until it wasn’t weird to just appear, anymore?

“Yes, I am sorry. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through the traffic this well... Uhm… is there anything I can help you with?” You tentatively move forward towards the counter that is separating you from your friend.

Jaehee looks genuinely happy to see you, that is something, right? “Well, now that you’re here, yes there is! If you don’t mind getting me some plates from the back? I need to decorate the table for us and you know I’m close to no good at this. Don’t laugh, but I’m still using the design that you drew for me for my opening day.” She blushes and pulls the coloured sheet of paper out of the counter as proof. You exhale, a little more at ease now. Decorating? This, you could do.

.

“What? What magic are you using and how can I learn to do that, too? I am so glad that Traffic was unusually light today and you were able to come early. This is marvellous!” you shriek in surprise when you hear her voice, when did she learn to be so sneaky? You want to tell her that this was nothing, but are interrupted with the doorbell.

All the rest of the squat come one after one, and it doesn’t take long for the shop to be filled with laughter and heartfelt congratulations. You notice Saeran missing.

“For f-iretrucks sake! Look who’s here!” Seven grabs you from behind and spins your around, showing you off like a treasure. “the girl we thought fell off a cliff, a few weeks ago. I found her, so she’s mine to keep, right?” You laugh and ruffle through his fire-read curls.

Zen walks over to you two “Actually, technically, it was your brother who found her, years ago. What are you going to do about that?” Nothing. Please do nothing, and please say nothing, Seven. But of course, he does.

“Aw, there is nothing like a good brawl between brothers, right? But no, not gonna happen. I’d never lay fingers on the girl that my brother has called dibs on. Even not, when he’s not in the same room as us.” That’s it. You feel hell opening its doors for you and slowly sucking you through the hole in the floor. You can’t help but giggle. This is madness.

“He didn’t. I mean called dips on me, that is.” You hate yourself for saying it. For the attention and tension that it creates. It was them. It was them that gave you your false confidence. Always teasing you, always saying things like this. You want them to feel at least a part of the pain that they’ve caused with their stupid and senseless remarks.

Neither Zen nor Seven said anything. “Didn’t you hear me? What I just said? Tease all you want, say whatever you want. But you’re wrong. You were all wrong. He…he just didn’t…” a pathetic sob escapes your lips. Stupid. It wasn’t them. It was never them. There is nobody to blame for your feelings and your delusions. You always believed what you wanted to believe, even without them. You want to say sorry, but you can’t.

Seven is the first to react, the first one to understand what you just meant. He hooks his arm under your shoulder and takes you outside to the small seating area that is in front of the shop. You don’t speak. He doesn’t speak. But he lets you cry without judging you.

“I’m sorry.” It is so quiet that you’re not sure whether you actually heard the words or if it all was just inside your head. Rings familiar? _Twins are twins, no matter what._

“No, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It has nothing to with you all…” He sighs.

“Why is it that all the people I love, seem to think that they don’t deserve to rely on me from time to time? It has nothing to do with us, you say? You are our friend, a part of our family. Your happiness, your sadness, your anger, it has everything to do with us. After everything we’ve all been through, I thought you – out of all people – would understand that by now.”

He is right. You wish he weren’t, but he is.

“I confessed to him. I really did -  God knows where I got that courage from. I was so sure that... that he would feel the same. Well, he rejected me. But you know this already, don’t you?” Why did everything you say, comes out so spiteful? You bite your tongue, a little too tempted to ask what Saeran told him about the situation.

“I didn’t. I didn’t know. I knew that something was up, and I knew that it had probably to do with you, but… shit, I wouldn’t have said something like this in there, had I known about this. Honestly, I thought that you may have had a fight and he was having another episode where he needed to be left alone – you know he has that from time to time… I would have never thought that he would reject you. Never. Whatever that’s worth though.” 

You can feel his honesty. Seven used to be always goofing around, exploiting any serious situation to lighten up the mood. But once again you get reminded of the fact that the man next to you, wasn’t Seven anymore. He was Saeyoung.

“So… He didn’t tell you anything? I thought that, if anyone knew, it would be you.” It sounded spiteful again, but Saeyoung was used to much more spite in his life and couldn’t be bothered. He knew you didn’t mean it this way, at least you hope that he knew.

“Yeah, you’d think that, right? But no, he didn’t. You and him, are much more alike than you think. Always keeping everything to v yourself, always suffering alone even though you don’t have to. Always thinking that… you’re not good enough to be loved. But you are, you both are.” You feel the heavy weight of your conversation pressing your shoulders down.

“I know it’s not me you should have this conversation with. Saeran is suffering. Alone. And although I won’t dare to make assumptions about his feelings, ever again, I know that he needs you. And everything else? Only time can tell.”

_You might have lost a friend in him, but he has lost a sister in you._

You groan in frustration and Saeyoung joins you without hesitating. You both end up sitting on a bench, on a cold Sunday, groaning into the air. What an odd picture this must have been.

You don’t find the courage to go back inside after your outbreak, but Saeyoung promises that he will take care of it. You wave your goodbyes and get into the Taxi that he ordered for you.

“I was told to drive you to this address, is that correct?” The driver hovers his fingers over the navigation system.

You smile. It is a thin smile, still weak from everything, but you were celebrating even the small victories.

“No, I need to go somewhere else, first.”


	3. Part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You want to rebuild what you've once had. But is that even possible?  
> ________________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always say "I might do another chapter, but I'm ot sure about it, yet" and keep doing it anyways. So uhm... There probably will be another one?  
> _______________________

What exactly have you been thinking again to come here after everything? And what exactly did you want to say? “oh hi there, I just thought I’d check on you because I thought it totally wouldn’t be weird to be alone with you?”

 

The large gate in front of the Choi mansion emitted an ominous aura that sent shivers down your spine.

 

Yeah, definitely not weird.

 

The small screen underneath the doorbell started flickering as soon as you approached it.

 

“today’s passcode is ‘catfish’ in Arabic.”  You pull out your phone and press play. Saeyoung’s voice starts saying something that you don’t even try to understand, and the digital eye on the screen in front of you turns green.

 

“That is correct. The door will open now. Please step back to avoid injuries.” You hear the door mechanism working and quickly take some steps to the side. The steel wings open relatively slow and creak with every inch they move.

 

You used to go through this door almost on a daily basis, but now it felt like you were stepping into foreign territory.  A very accurate metaphor for your relationship with Saeran.

 

While driving here, you had been thinking about how to present yourself in front of him. Should you act like you always did? Moreover, could you act like you always did? You still loved him, and he still didn’t. Great, now you’re getting nervous.

 

You enter the main hall and almost expect Saeran to come dashing out of the hallway that his room was on. But of course, you are greeted by nothing but thin air and a little chill on your forearm. It was quite cold in here as if nobody had been in this house, for a long time. It kinda makes sense to you, with Saeyoung being out in his toy shop almost all day and Saeran apparently being hurled up inside his room. God, you hope that he at least was eating alright and didn’t go off to subsist of candy and PhD Pepper.

 

A quick look into the fridge confirms your suspicion. While Saeyoung apparently had tried his best to make sure his brother was getting proper nutrition, all his attempts to do so seemed to have failed. The fridge is full with neatly stacked meal container full of vegetables and meat. You sigh. Saeran could be such a kid sometimes. 

 

You take out a container with chicken tandoori in it and start warming it up in the microwave. You would make sure that boy gets to eat a real meal before the end of the day. Then you stop. Would he find this annoying? Would he accept your care?

 

You weren’t even sure if you were in any position to care for him. Maybe he really didn’t want anything to do with you, anymore.

 

The beeping sound of the microwave rips you from your thoughts before you can dwell in them for even longer and you take out the hot food and pour it into a clean bowl. Armed with delicious food, a spoon, and a good amount of self-doubt you start moving in the direction of his room.

 

No wonder he didn’t notice you coming in; you can hear drug restaurant screaming through the walls even before you’ve set one foot on the floor of the hallway. Now what? He wouldn’t hear your knocking on the door, but you felt a tad too insecure to just barge into his line of view.

 

Then again, why were you even so self-aware? There didn’t have to be any funny tension if you didn’t make it funny in the first place, right? Okay, one, two, three – go! Wait –

 

While you’re still debating with yourself whether you should turn the doorknob or not, the door in front of you magically opens on its own, and you stare right into the golden eyes that you have been trying to forget for the past weeks.

 

“Huh.” Is all that comes out of your mouth. You were the oozing effigy of eloquence. Where were you right now and what time was it? What year? –help.

 

Saeran looked so conflicted, a thousand thoughts running over his face at the same time before it eventually warped into an expression of pure pain. As if he had been hit by a car. A car that had your nametag on it.

 

“What are you doing here?” he tilts his head in disbelief.

 

“I uh, brought food?” his brows crawl up on his forehead. “Food. Why?” Good question. Why did you do that again? You can’t think straight when he looks at you like this. Shit, you were nowhere to be ready for this. For him.

 

“Y-Yes. I met Saeyoung and a-after not seeing you at Jaehee’s birthday I kind of got worried for you...?”

 

 He crossed his arms in front of him and looked really irritated now. “I don’t need you to worry for me like this. Even if you do this, I won’t –“

 

“I know that! It’s not like that, I swear!” Did he possibly think that everything up until now was only to get him to love you? Did he really think so lowly of you now? You both just stand inside the doorframe. After a while, he gently pushes you to the side and walks past you.

 

“Where’re you going?” You panic and start to follow him before he turns around and gets you to stop walking. “I need to pee. I actually came out of my room to pee, you stupid woman. Go get another spoon and let’s eat together.” You’re both blushing now, and he quickly disappears to get into the bathroom.

 

Did you honestly think that he would run away from you? You’re more of an idiot than you previously thought. It is such a small gesture, but you can’t stop grinning when you run back into the kitchen to get a second spoon.

.

.

 

It was as if nothing had changed between you two.  You played some games on his Xbox and talked about everything that came to your mind. You didn’t even notice that it was past twelve already and only gasped in shock when you took a look at your watch.

 

“Good lord, I didn’t know it was this late, already!” you immediately get up and grabbed the empty bowl to take it back into the kitchen.

 

“What’s wrong? We always hang out until whenever. Do you need to be somewhere right now?”

 

That was a legitimate question. You didn’t, but there were no busses driving anymore, and you didn’t have enough money on to call a taxi. “I… no. It’s just that… There won’t be a bus until 6 and…” Don’t. Please don’t make this weird now, everything is going so well.

 

“So? I’ll just drive you home, then. Do you want to go back now, or should we continue playing Xbox?” You looked at him. Without knowing it, he could be so unfair. Of course, you didn’t want to go home.

 

“No. I mean yes, let's play some more.” You put the bowl down and go back to his room. Why did the atmosphere feel completely different just now? When he sits down next to you, you can’t help but feel insecure again.

 

You start playing again but can’t seem to focus. You were talking just a few minutes ago, but no you couldn’t think of even one thing to say, so you’re more than just a little surprised when you hear his voice. Were you the only one who was insecure?

 

“Sorry for being so selfish.” He doesn’t look at you while he speaks. Thank god he can’t see your face right now.

 

“What do you mean?” You stare at the screen in front of you, and so does he.

 

“I just realised how hard this must be for you. But I… I really missed you. Hanging out with you. So I know that it is selfish, but I want us to hang out more again. Do you think that this is possible?”

 

Fuck, your heart beats like crazy. He doesn’t mean it this way, he doesn’t mean it this way.

 

“Sure. I would like that.”  You ignore the clenching pain inside your chest. You were such a masochist.

 

He stops the game and finally looks at you. “R-really? You won’t abandon me? I’m sorry that I’ve put you through so much pain without knowing it, so I thought it was just fair to let you go, but I just can’t. I don’t want to mislead you or give you false hopes. So I didn’t contact you… and I thought that you never wanted to see me again.” Was he stupid? How could you ever… You’ve long made up your mind. Even if he would never love you back, even if he decided to love another woman one day, you would stay by his side.

 

“Saeran. I will say this only once so you’d better listen to me carefully. I didn’t stick this close to you because I wanted you to see me as a woman. I have always been your friend, and this won’t change. It is no one's fault, but mine that I fell in love with you and I promise that I will get through this on my own. But whatever happens, I will never leave you. And I will be happy for you, whatever may come. So stop tiptoeing around me because I’m a big girl already. I… I promise that I will never trouble you again with my feelings.”

 

The face he makes is a first for you. And although you were dying to know what it meant, it remained unreadable to you. Then you see that his hands are shaking and as soon as he notices it, too, he hides them inside his sweater.

 

“You’re so stupid. Why did you fall in love with someone like me, in the first place? I don’t get what you see in me… You can’t stay in love with me, you hear that? I – I am really no good and continuing to love me will only hurt you even more!” he looks away to hide his embarrassed face.

 

“I know.” Is all you manage to say.

 

“You will never find a good man if you continue to blindly love me like that.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I will never answer to your feelings.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And still… you won’t go?”

 

“I won’t go.”

 

 

He makes a suffocated noise while still looking away and you remain quiet to give him the time to work through his emotions. You won’t go because as much as you want him to love you back, living without him was just not possible for you. You needed him. Just as much as he needed you. If you had to tuck your feelings away to stay with him, so be it.

 

After some time, you pull him into a loose hug. He responds immediately and hugs you back, before becoming stiff again. “I-I-“  You shush him. “I know. But we are only humans. And sometimes, a hug is all we need. Don’t worry, I won’t ever think that you have romantic feelings towards me, again. So relax.” You remain in this position for quite some time before getting up again. Saeran grabs his car keys, and you both get into his vehicle. Neither of you speaks during the drive, but unlike last time, it is a comfortable silence. Like a spell that was created for only the two of you.

 

When you arrive at your building complex, you’re a little more reluctant to leave the car than necessary. It takes some special willpower to grab the door handle and open the door.  You can feel Saerans light touch on your arm and turn around to face him.

 

 

“You know, for a very long moment, I was afraid that you would never come to see me again. That you would seal our friendship away and dump me back into that dark place that I used to be in…”

 

You avert your eyes, a little too nervous to look up to him. “You know, for a very long moment, so was I.”

 

Then you step out of the car and leave him looking utterly confused behind his steering wheel. You’ve very well earned yourself at least a little self-satisfaction, right?

 

Before eventually entering the building, you turn around one last time. “Pick me up at 7? I really want to watch that movie that we didn’t get to see, last time.”

 

You can finally see him smile again. “Sure, Princess.” Then the engine starts, and he waves at you as he drives away.

 

 

 

You were a hopeless idiot.


	4. Part four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran's untold truths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV Saeran.
> 
> There will still be more *sorry absolutely not sorry*  
> ________________________________________________

Everyone would leave him, eventually. This was an inevitable fact that he has gotten used to in the past.

 

Everything he wanted, everyone he loved, they vanished from his eyes.

 

It didn’t start with just Saeyoung – even though he was the one that had hurt the most – it began with his father.

 

When Saeran closed his eyes, he saw the silhouette of his father standing in the distance. He wasn’t some malicious spirit like his mother had always wanted to make him believe. Rather than that, it had always felt like his father was watching him from far away, trying to find him but always being out of reach.

 

What drives does one have to possess that motivates him to abandon his kin? To hunt them down and try to eradicate their existence? Why on earth should someone claim that two newborn children – that were not asked whether they wanted to be born or not – were wrong and filthy?

 

Saeran never understood. He never understood why their father never loved them the way a father should love his children. He never understood why he would just vanish. Always present on the screens but never present for him to be physically close to.

 

Because the parental figure that was close to them, didn’t want them and even – for reasons that were yet to be discovered – abused them in her cruelty.

 

But even then, Saeran used to love her as a child. A wistful longing for his mother to love him back, which of course she never did. So the love for her, vanished as well.  He very well knew that it was not his fate to become happy. To be truly loved for what he was, and for whom he was. His mother was many things, none of them was good, but she knew the boy like no other did. Not even Saeyoung. His mother knew that he was weak. _Pathetic_. A born victim that was easy to manipulate with no real function in this world.

 

When he pulled the trigger on that fateful day, he killed the only person that ever really knew him. And if not even her, his own mother, could accept his true self, how could there be any other living being that did?

 

The now grown up version of him looked at his twin brother that was currently fixing a broken toy on the kitchen counter. Twins were supposed to share one soul. But looking at his other “you” he knew that there was no truth to this phrase. Saeyoung had always been strong. Cheerful even when the world around them was dim and ugly. That was why their mother never tied him up. Why their mother let him come and go as he pleased. Why he was the one that out of them both, deserved to love and be loved in return.

 

Saeran deserved neither.

 

So it was only natural that he didn’t allow himself to get too close to his brother. Because if he ever did, he would disappear from him again.  If they only stayed like this, Saeyoung wouldn’t leave. He could never leave him again…. He just couldn’t. He hated to turn his signs of affection down, but it was easier this way. Better. Safer for his heart. He was a naughty kid, and everything he loved would get taken away from him. This was how it has always been for him and how it always would be.

 

 That was why he didn’t understand why those people that he once had loved to see dead accepted him without batting an eye. Could they not see? Were they that blind? They saw who he was and what he was capable of, and still, they treated him like he… like he belonged.

 

_Stupid. Do not think that way or they will vanish as well._

 

They… who was he terrified to lose?

 

He knew the answer even when he didn’t like to admit it.  It was so simple and yet it complicated everything. It was you.

 

From the moment he had seen you for the first time, he knew that he couldn’t let you go. He inserted you into this whole mess, let you go through hell, just because _he couldn’t.let.you.go._

 

That was who he really was. A selfish person that destroyed everything within his reach.

 

You knew this. And yet, you stayed by his side.

 

When he wasn’t in the mood to get out of his bed, you were there to kick his ass.

 

When he was outside in the middle of the night, just to watch the sky, you would rush over to him and look at the sky with him.

 

When he felt like everything around him was eating him alive, you were there to provide him shelter.

 

Because of this, there was only one thing he could do for you. _He could never love you or be loved by you in return._

 

 

You were an angel, while he was a disease, and he would not let himself infect you with his rotting soul.

 

So he didn’t feel a firework inside of him whenever your skin brushed over his. He didn’t feel like the king of the world when you chose to greet him first in a room full of your friends. And of course he didn’t dream of you being his, and his alone.

 

And when he did feel one of those things? It got swept away by a torrential flood of angst and despair.

 

In the end, he would lose you. As soon as you realised his true self, you would leave. It was inevitable. But still, he couldn’t find it in his heart to stop you.

 

He grabbed his keys and got into the driver’s seat. He was already a little late due to his dark daydreaming but oh well. If whatever he had with you wasn’t meant to last anyway, there was no meaning in caring about punctuality.

 

He turns on the radio and drives over to you as if on auto-pilot.

.

.

.

Through his eyes, you looked like a goddess. And he hated how this made him feel; how he had to grit his teeth to stop himself from grinning like an idiot; or how he had to occupy his hands with anything at all to keep his hands from touching you.

 

“Hey, princess. Looking fly today.”

 

He kept calling you princess since day one. In another universe, where he was sure you were a real princess, maybe he would get to be your real prince. It was a foolish hope, and it was the only guilty pleasure towards you, that he would ever allow himself to have.

 

You reached out for him and gently caress his cheeks. He feels happy, but then it comes again: the angst. _Do not love her. Do not let her love you._  

 

You are unusually quiet today, and the weird feeling inside his chest only intensifies. Why does this feel like it would be the last drive with you? Why didn’t you say anything?

 

 

After a while, he couldn’t take it anymore. It was like sitting in a room with a doctor, waiting for his diagnosis. Whether he had a lethal illness or not. He had to know. He HAD to know.

 

“Someone's all quiet today… everything alright?” He averts his eyes, partly because he was afraid of his own expression if you told him “no”.

 

You giggle nervously and grab the hem of your dress. He can do nothing but grab the stirring wheel even tighter.

 

“Haha…you noticed? It is nothing, I’m just a bit tired. I was up all night, watching ‘better call Saul’. I feel like falling asleep any minute.”

 

His traitorous heart skips a beat. So it wasn’t because of him? Then he feels angry. Why wasn’t she taking care of herself? Straining herself because of some stupid TV show. Did you not know how important you were? He couldn’t let you walk around when you were this tired.

 

“Fine, let’s take a quick nap, then. I feel rather drowsy, myself.” He drove to the next parking lot that was within sight and stopped the engine.  This should do.

 

While he already started to push down his seat, he notices how uncomfortable you were sitting inside your seat. You needed to sleep. Now. Maybe, if you had a pillow? There was no pillow inside this car, but he had once seen a movie on TV where a woman used another man’s chest as a pillow. Maybe this would work?

 

He patted on his chest, and you slowly came and laid your head down onto his rip-cage. _T-T-This was uhm… nice_. He closes his eyes to prevent himself from staring at you, but he couldn’t help but feel like you were looking at him. Why would you do that? Or maybe you weren’t looking at him, but at something behind his head? Why was he dying to know?

 

“See something interesting?” you stiffened. _Why did you_ … did he do something wrong?

 

“What if I said yes?”

 

What did you just say? He must have heard wrong. As soon as he opened his eyes, he could see your eyes frantically searching for his. He had never been this scared in his life.

 

“What if I said that what I see right now is more than interesting to me? What if this is the most exciting thing in the world to me?”

 

His mind started to cross out every eventuality of how she could have meant this. It couldn’t be. It shouldn’t be. _Don’t do this, please._

 

He was silently begging you. But of course, his prayer stayed unanswered.

 

When he felt your lips on him, he felt like being crushed _. Why. Why did you do this?_ To him, to you two? Now you would leave him. You would because they all did. Because he could never let you see the real him. And he could never make you happy. He could never infect you with his disease.

 

He had tried to protect you from him. He had given it his all.  Why did you destroy his efforts? Why couldn’t you allow him to stay with you in this limbo? Where he could always have you by his side.

 

A wish that would never come true. Not after this.

 

He couldn’t say anything, although he wished he could. He wasn’t dumb. He could see your pain and how his rejection hurt you. But he was too angry to comfort you. Too angry that you would leave him now, just like every-fucking-body else.

 

“What- what just happened?”

 

You didn’t answer at first, but after exhaling heavily, you eventually looked at him and started talking again.

 

““I kissed you because I thought our feelings were mutual. I love you. Not as a brother but as a man. I – I thought that you might…. That you might love me, too.”

 

 _You stupid, stupid woman._ He would never do something as cruel as to love you. And he had hoped that… you would never love him, too.

 

You demand that he drives you home and he gladly agrees. He knew that this was the end and there was no logic in dragging it out even longer.

 

 

 

He hates the view of your apartment complex and the knowledge that you would soon disappear inside of it. That you would soon disappear from him. But… he was useless. And he was weak. So this was the only way this could possibly go down.

 

 

> _Everyone would leave him, eventually. This was an inevitable fact that he has gotten used to in the past._
> 
> _Everything he wanted, everyone he loved, they vanished from his eyes._
> 
> _It didn’t start with just Saeyoung – even though he was the one that had hurt the most – it began with his father._

 

At least with you, he got to say a proper a goodbye.

 

“I’m sorry” He really was.

 

There was nothing he could do to ease your pain. Nothing but giving you the real reason why. He _needed_ to let you go.

 

“I didn’t know you felt this way. If I had known…. I will never be able to give you what you want. Whatever I can offer you, it will never be what you actually want from me. Sorry.”

 

_Goodbye, my princess._

 

He starts the engine and leaves, unable to be strong enough to bear the expression on your face.

 

 

 

 

For your sake, he had tried not to love you....

 

...and failed.


	5. Part five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In life, timing is everything. 
> 
> It is the one small component that might seem so irrelevant but is the true game changer, the periptery in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go :)
> 
> POV: Saeran  
> __________________________

         He knew he should have let you go when you started packing away his plate and stuffing your thing back into your back.  You looked troubled when you met his eyes and you had to answer his demand to know whether there was a place you needed to be. He also knew that he was unfair, selfish, mean. He was aware that it was akin to emotional blackmailing since he knew that you _had nowhere else to be_.

 

         He couldn’t be bothered. The moment he had seen you walking into the mansion on his video system, he knew that he would drag you down into his hell. At first, he wasn’t sure if he took his pills for today, knowing that he was still suffering from hallucinations even now. But when he actually saw you in front of his room, he had to hold onto the frame of his door to stay calm and collected.  

 

         He wasn’t sure, why exactly you chose to come, but he at least knew that he didn’t want to let you go again.  Whatever it was, that drove you here, he had to savor every moment of it.

.

.

         The cooling sound of the Xbox had a soothing effect on his brain. You were both looking at the screen, and the air in his room grew more uncomfortable with every passing minute. Weird, you were having fun just moments ago, and he wasn’t sure if he was able to fully comprehend the reason behind this atmospheric shift.

 

         Bullshit. He very well knew the reason why you were this quiet.

         It must be so hard for you to even be in the same room with him, let alone sitting next to you where at every second heartbeat, your sides touched each other. And still, he didn’t want you to leave just yet.

 

         It was foolish. It was unfair. It was just like him.

 

         Seeing you, made him think of all the times that both of you shared. All the late night talks, the laughing and even the crying. He wished he could recreate this past. Your head was just as fixated on the screen as his, but he could feel that your thoughts were slowly drifting into a much darker place. A place that he, although unwillingly, created. Yet, he forced you to stay with him. And if he couldn’t let you go right now, he could at least gift you with a sincere apology

 

         “Sorry for being so selfish.”  His thumb starts tapping on the ground, a nervous habit that he couldn’t get rid of.

 

         “What do you mean?” Your voice is quiet, and he is too scared to look over to you to try and read your facial expression. It would be useless, anyways, as he was never good at reading your emotions in general. There was a time where he thought that he was, but that time is long gone.

 

          “I just realized how hard this must be for you. But I… I really missed you. Hanging out with you. So I know that it is selfish, but I want us to hang out more again. Do you think that this is possible?” He bites his lip, afraid that he said too much. Wouldn’t this be too annoying for her? Of course, things would never be the way they once were, he was a fool to hope for something like that. No, it wasn’t just foolish. Rather than that, it was…

 

          Greedy. He was such a greedy man. He had hurt you so much, and still, his heart wasn’t satisfied. It would never be satisfied, and the more time was passing, the more he found himself giving in to that ugly urge inside of him that was so desperate for your company that even he found it pathetic.

 

          “Sure, I would like that.” Again, he asks himself if he really took his medicine. There was no way that you could mean it like this.  And if you did, it was even scarier. Because then, he had already infected your heart and dragged you down to his level.  He turns around to face you and regrets his decision immediately. He loses himself in your eyes as soon as he sees them.

 

         Your eyes peeked through the curtain of his mind. You tended to do that to him. And he wasn’t foolish enough to think that he could hide surprise from you. You might not have the full gist of his feelings, but something in your face spoke to him. It looked like you would understand his heart, even if she didn’t know everything that was going on with him.

 

         “R-really? You won’t abandon me? I’m sorry that I’ve put you through so much pain without knowing it, so I thought it was just fair to let you go but I just can’t I don’t want to mislead you or give you false hopes. So I didn’t contact you… and I thought that you never wanted to see me again.”

 

          It wasn’t only that he _thought_ you abandoned him, deep down, he _wished_ for you to leave him. To finally chase someone better than him. Someone who could lift you up, instead of dragging you down. He wished that you would carve yourself a place that he could never reach. So that he… that he would never have to fear to give in to his dark desires. To make you his and destroying your soul in the process.

 

          But you, bless your brave soul, only looked him in the eyes and mustered every bit of courage you had left inside of you.  

 

          “Saeran. I will say this only once so you’d better listen to me carefully. I didn’t stick this close to you because I wanted you to see me as a woman. I have always been your friend, and this won’t change. It is no one's fault, but mine that I fell in love with you and I promise that I will get through this on my own. But whatever happens, I will never leave you. And I will be happy for you, whatever may come. So stop tiptoeing around me because I’m a big girl already. I… I promise that I will never trouble you again with my feelings.”

 

 _Trouble him with your feelings_. You saw yourself a burden for him. How much did he already cloud your mind? You still loved him despite knowing that he was so useless… And it was painful. Knowing that he was the one that twisted your heart to and tricks it into thinking it could love a creature like him... It was so harrowing, and he didn’t know how to stop it. How to stop himself from his feelings. From you.

 

 

            One last try. He had to push you away, one last time. If you decided to stay after that, there was nothing he could do for you.

 

            “You’re so stupid. Why did you fall in love with someone like me, in the first place? I don’t get what you see in me… You can’t stay in love with me, you hear that? I – I am really no good and continuing to love me will only hurt you even more!”

 

 

             He was so weak.

 

             “I know.” Her words were like a spell. A curse. They could not be trusted.

 

             “You will never find a good man if you continue to blindly love me like that.”

 

             “I know.”

 

             “I will never answer to your feelings.”

 

             “I know.”

  

             He should tell her to stop. He should tell her to leave. His heart, however, lusted for her. _Home is, where the heart is._ Thus his home was with her. He wished he could be stronger… He wished he could live on his own, without her. But he couldn’t. It was inconvenient; stupid, even. But hope has always and forever been his kryptonite. And it was the one thing he could never shield himself from. Not in his childhood, and not even now.

 

 

 

> _When he pulled the trigger on that fateful day, he killed the only person that ever really knew him. And if not even her, his own mother, could accept his true self, how could there be any other living being that did?_

 

 

 

             “And still… you won’t go?”

 

 

             “I won’t go.”

 

 

> _How could there be any other living being, that did?_

 

         He makes an inhumanly sound and distances himself a little from you. It... You were too much for him to withstand. How could he ever protect you from him, when you were like this?

 

          You take his hand and embrace him. His skin burns where your touch meets his body, not even the shirt or the thick fabric of his sweater could provide protection from this feeling. It soon became unbearable, especially when his brain started imagining how it would feel if he could touch you as well.  

 

 

          Pulling back, was even more painful. You shouldn’t have done this. You shouldn’t have fed his beast even further. You go on and try to explain that this was a regular interaction between humans, but how could it be normal when it set his whole world on fire? He might be your kryptonite, but you were just as sinfully dangerous for him.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Mean and hurtful words_

_keep pouring through the tight gap between my lips._

_The unfairness I know so well is all I can ever give._

_So I wear my head high, my eyes avoiding yours_

_You do not run from me_

_I do not promise to stay_

_the limbo we created, our kingdom_

_keeps the nightmare at bay_

_The one in which my loneliness devours your soul whole._

_And later on, you still leave me, and I shed tears for your lost soul._

_You do not run from me_

_I do not promise to stay_

_And yet_

_your love-woven words keep echoing through my brain_

_Staged without a stage_

_They made me stay regardless_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

          The club was already full, and the music was filling the old industrial building. It was Saeran and Saeyoungs birthday.

 

          There were still so many things that Saeran didn’t understand about the world. About him. But over the course of the past years, he had come to terms with himself, and with you. You had kept your promise and never left him. Fought through every panic attack, every gray and lifeless day and every try of him to distance himself from you.

 

          Two years have passed since your confession but other than that, you never mentioned your feelings towards him ever again. Until they were nothing but a faint memory. One that neither of you was sure whether they wanted to cherish it, or not.  There were many bumps on the road, many tries, and even more errors, but you two did manage to get this friendship to work again.  

 

          much of it was thanks to Saeyoung, who’s friendly whispers helped both of you find your way back to each other. After every fight, he would be there to counsel. After every insecurity, he would be there to build you both up. If not for him, Saeran would have never had the chance to experience life together with you.

 

          He wanted to thank his brother, and someday, he swore to himself, he would get the chance to do so.  Whatever the cost, he would show his brother that his help did not go unnoticed.

 

           And if it meant, giving you to him, he would do so with a smile.

 

 

 

          Or so he thought.

 

          He noticed Saeyoung and you hanging out together, shortly after Jaehee’s birthday. He was often on the phone with you. Joking like Saeran never did, giving advice like Saeran never could.

 

          There were times where he walked into the room while his brother was talking to you and the conversation abruptly stopped. And although he never saw you kiss, he was sure that his lips did touch yours when you were spending time together without him. It hurt. Seeing how the two of you were developing secrets. A world of your own. It hurt so much that he hated his brother -  and you – for a while.

 

          The therapist helped him work through this. Helped him see the whole picture. He told him to try and support you both. If he didn’t see himself fit to be your partner, he could at least be there for you in different ways.

 

          It was only just. You were an angel, and so was Saeyoung. You both deserved happiness. One that he could never give you. And for a while, he was content with just being able to have you both by his side. As time passed by, he couldn’t help but think… what if it was him, that made you smile like this? What if he could ever taste your lips again?

 

           What did they feel like on the day you kissed him? He couldn’t remember. The angst back then had swept away even this detail.

 

           He was currently staring at your lips as you greet him.

 

           “There’s birthday boy-to-be number one! You look good. And I’m proud of you that you stepped out of your comfort-zone to stop dying your hair.” Your left-hand glides through his now red hair and only stops when Saeyoung steps into the picture.

 

           “We _finally_ look like real twins. Don’t we? I even wear contacts now to complete the look. And here - matching suits haha!” He grins like an idiot and sounds like an idiot. A happy idiot. It suited him.

 

           “Yes, you do. There can never be enough tomato heads in this world.” Your beautiful laugh lights up the whole room.

 

           “Although we _are_ your favorite tomato heads, right?” You nod and laugh again. Saeyoungs antics made his brother gag, and he acts like he has to throw up to hide his blush.

 

           “Let me get you something to drink. Wait here, I’ll be back in a minute.” Saeyoung leaves and you smile at him.  Saeran’s beast only glares at both of you.

 

_Stop being greedy._

 

           “Be careful, it’s still early, and if you want to last until midnight, you should take it slow. I would be pissed if my princess weren’t the first person to wish me a happy birthday.” It came out a little sharper than he intended, but you only took it with a cocky shrug of your shoulders.

 

            “You don’t have to worry about even one thing. I can take alcohol. I never threw up because of booze.”

 

            “You did. Like literally every time we go out to drink.”

 

            You glare at him.

 

            “I did no such thing! Stop spreading lies!”

 

            “Oh? Then what about last week when we had this weird ginseng-liquor?”

 

            You shush him and you both laugh.

 

            “You better make sure to keep an eye on me, then. I cannot promise anything. Not if your brother makes me drink tonight. Can’t refuse him. That would be plain rude.”

 

             Saeran rolls his eyes and flicks his fingers against your forehead. Of course, he would keep an eye on you. He always did.

 

 

 

 

 

           Let’s just say, he tried. He really did. But you were gone for a while, and when you returned, your nose was already turning pink, and your eyelids seemed to grow too heavy for you.

 

           “Jesus, you’re such a lightweight.”

 

           You want to argue with him, but suddenly stagger and fall right into his arms.

 

           “Haha…maybe I am? Don't tell your brother, though. He already accused me of always drinking more than I can and I don't plan on letting have this... this victory!  Nanana. I’m not drunk at all. I just need some fresh air and I'm good to go. You coming or what?”

 

           Saeran quickly grabbed a bottle of water from the bar and followed you outside. Silently praying that you didn’t pass out before he was able to reach you.

 

           You were so drunk that you almost threw up behind the building. Saeran tried his best to stabilize your body with his hands, and gently pushed you against a wall to provide more help, which earns him a big smile from you.

 

            His heart jumps, although it shouldn’t.

 

 

            “You’re the best. Whenever I feel down, I know that you are there for me.”

 

             He scoffs at you.

 

             How could you say that? He was the most troublesome person to you. Always causing you grief, always causing you pain. It was his brother that was always there for you.

 

             It stings.

 

             “I mean it. What would I do without you?” You reach out for him and cup his face between your tiny hands. Your thumb trails his jawline, and it sends, even more, stings up his back. After all these years, your power over him only grew.

 

             As did his desire for you. He had tried so hard, pushed you so many times, but you kept coming back to him. He couldn’t restrain himself much longer. Not if you were so vulnerable around him.

 

 

_She isn’t yours. She never will be. She belongs to your brother._

 

            “You would find someone else. Someone better than me.” He tries to feed you some water, but you keep swatting his hands away.

 

            “How could I ever. Both you and your brother mean the world to me. I could never… live without you.”

 

             He bites his lips again. Why did you have to bring him up right now?

 

            “Yeah…”

 

             You keep smiling at him, and your thumb is still trailing his face.

 

            “Gosh… you really look just like him…I start to have weird thoughts when I’m up this close to you… Even your lips are just like his…” You are now trailing his cupid bow.

 

            He grabs your hand a little too rough. Just like him? Just like his brother?

 

 

 

 

             His beast is screaming in jealousy. How dare you...

 

 

 

 

             He presses his lips against you without being able to make any sense out of his own thoughts. He shouldn’t. But he couldn’t stop.

 

             His tongue was begging your lips for granting him entrance, and you gave in. He pushed you against the wall and kissed you with his burning anger.

 

              Just like his brother, you say. He bets he never kissed you like this.  And it feels good to be the first to kiss you like this.

 

             Then, as is someone had slapped you sober, you suddenly start struggling and pushing him away.

 

             He doesn’t let you get away, though and only deepen the kiss. Until you ram your knee up in his crotch.

 

             He hisses and releases you eventually.  Then his conscience starts coming back to life. What the… What the fuck did he just do?! He looks up to meet you crying face.

 

 

            “I – I’m so sorry!” You shake your head, obviously having none of it.

 

            “No, I… I didn’t know… I thought that after all this… We were just _friends!_ I’m sorry, I can’t! Your brother is the only one I love!”

 

            He wants to say something, even though he doesn’t know what. But anything was better than this silence.

 

            Then he hears _happy birthday_ chanting coming from inside. The next time he turns around, you’re gone and in your stead, Saeran was greeted by a shocked pair of golden eyes and fire-red hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... Yes, that poem is from me. Sorry if it sucks :O


	6. Last Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if it is painful, how can we not fall in love with each other?

     “Sae-Saeran! What did I just see? What the – I”

     Saeran only stared at the brick wall in front of him. He wasn’t able to face his brother. Not like this; Not now. He screwed up. Not like the pathetic “I ruined my shirt” kind of screwing up, but seriously this time.  There was no excuse in the world for this. He had lost his temper and took something that was never his, and never would be.

     “Saeran, look at me… Talk to me, please.” His brother was pleading to him. Why would he want to speak to him? After what he just witnessed, he should be furious. He should be screaming at him, running over to him and beat him up. He should be ANYTHING but understanding. Why was he calm? Shouldn’t he punish him or run after his girlfriend? Just what was he doing here?!

     The calmness was getting on his nerves. More than anything else. Because… Because if he screamed at him, choked him – whatever -  he would at least get the chance to ask for forgiveness. To do penance. But being this quiet, this understanding, it took that chance from him. And it made him look even more of a villain. Hah… Maybe that was all he was good for, in the end. Now his brother would leave him. You would leave him. The RFA would leave him.

      _You knew this was going to happen when you give in to your own greediness.  No! No. No no no no_ no.

     They couldn’t leave him. It would be the end of him.

     There was only one thing that Saeran really could do now to prevent them from leaving him. Run and leave them first.

      _Get home, pack your stuff and get out of this. You fucked up, and now nobody will want to have anything to do with you, anymore. You’re an animal that can’t control its instincts. A Disease._

     The voice inside his head sounds dangerously close to his mother’s, and he knows that if he stays here, it will get only worse.

     He didn’t even look back at his brother, he just straightened his back and kept moving forward like a robot. Ignoring the happy chanting inside. The thrumming inside his head, his brother’s plea and the inner vision of your crying face.

     “Saeran! Where’re you going? Hey-!”

     His steps were heavy with guilt, but he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop moving, halfway expecting his brother to follow him. But there was no one behind him.

     What was it, that he felt when he saw the emptiness behind him? Disappointment? Why?

     He knew why. He had hoped that someone would come after him.

     He was such a fool.

 

* * *

 

 

     You needed a drink. NOW.

     Zen was currently at the Bar, grabbing some drinks for him and his no-this-is-just-my-female-manager-not-my-girlfriend-duh when you made your way through the dancing crowd.

     “Can I have one of those?”  you point your fingers on the glass of god-knows-what in his hands. Zen only musters you with a strange look.

     “Did you get your permission to drink? Saeran told me about the ginseng incident and even advised the rest of us not to give you alcohol when you look even slightly tipsy.” You glare at him. Why did everyone know about that one night already? Saeran was such a talkative little kitten, wasn’t he…

     “You know what, make it two. I’m really in the mood right now.” You grabbed both of the glasses from his hands and chugged it down like it was water. Zen still looked at you strangely and then sighed in defeat.

     “Okay, kitten. What’s the matter?” his red eyes searched for yours, but instead of answering him, you got behind the bar and tried to pour yourself another glass. Zen only sighed again and took the bottle of liquor away from you.

     “Hey, you know that I hate to see a beautiful woman like you so sad. So you better tell me what’s wrong. Big brother Hyun will listen. And if I need to, I will beat up whoever made you so sad…Don’t tell me, did that trust fund –jerk Jumin say something?” He threw some air-punches to make you smile. And it worked. It always did.

     “No, don’t worry. Jumin didn’t have anything to do with this. I think he is way too engrossed with his fiancé to care about anything else.” You point your fingers at Jumin, who was currently combing with his fingers through the hair of his beloved woman.

     Zen grumbled to hide a smile when he spots the two of them. “Good for him. I would have gladly given him some long overdue beating. But you’re right, I don’t think he would notice it if someone tried to rob him right now. But that brings me back to my original question: What happened to you?”

     The questions wiped the smile from your face. You couldn’t answer. Perhaps because you weren’t too sure about it, either. You needed to sort out your own thoughts. You stammered a weak “Excuse me” and fled into the dancing crowd, in which you bump into a white suit. Shit. Saeran.

     He would immediately notice that you were crying and he would ask uncomfortable questions that would lead to even more uncomfortable answers. How were you supposed to explain the earlier events to him? You tried to duck down and avoid his grasp, but he only grabs you with a tight grip and smiles at you.

     “Out. Now.” He smiled one of those scary smiles that made your blood freeze, and you only nodded and followed him outside. The cold fresh air hit your face, and you start to shiver. Shit, you should have brought your jacket. As if he read your mind, he takes off his white suit jacket and gives it to you. You try to refuse, but he takes your arms and puts it on for you.  

     “Thank you.” You put your hands inside the pockets and stared at the ground. You could see the edge of the water bottle from before, and your head started taking you to dark, dark places. You expected Saeran to bombard you with questions, which is what he usually did in a situation like this. Emotions were still rather new to him, and he had yet to learn when to use a filter – but he stayed still. Waiting for you to start talking on your own.

     You hate being put on the spot like this. But you knew that he was just so irritatingly persistent that if you didn’t start spilling the beans soon, he would make you sit here for the rest of the night. Possibly venting out on you a few times, throwing fits and whatever, but he would make you talk sooner or later. He always did.

     “Okay, I get it. I’ll talk.” You look up to find him rolling his eyes at you for taking so long. But you are greeted by a worried, yet puzzled face of…. Saeyoung? Wait. What?

     “Sae-Saeyoung?”

     You jumped up ready to bolt away from him, but he only grabbed your arm and effortlessly yanked you back down to his level. “You were telling me about whatever it was that happened between you and my brother earlier, remember? You can’t chicken out of this now. So you better talk now, lady.” He tried to make it sound like he was half-joking. But his voice sounded strained with concern.

     “What do you mean? What happened with your bro- Oh shit! Oh shit. God Damn it Saeyoung I think I fucked up!” your head was racing to try and put everything together. What had actually happened? Putting aside the foggy memories that were somewhat twisted by your level of alcohol inside your blood, a gruesome picture started to take shape.  If this is Saeyoung and he asks you what happened with you and his brother...then just who was it that kissed you?

      _Think. You needed to think. Saeran rejected you, many, many years before. He kept telling you that he never saw you as a potential lover. And as much as it had hurt you, you came to accept it. There was no way on earth that he would come to like you. He even said so himself, right? But then… Just what happened?_

     Your conscience tries to send you messages by replaying some of your memories with Saeran. This time, you decided to look for hints of his feelings.

     The day of the rejection... As much as you liked to forget this memory, you remembered everything about it, as if it had happened only yesterday. The way he swallowed when he saw you in your dress, or the way his heart was beating when you laid down on his chest…?

     How he would lean in whenever you hugged him, trying to embrace you one second longer than necessarily needed…?

     Him, always looking for you first whenever he entered a room… Him always laughing over your stupid jokes… The way his eyes lit up whenever you praised him... How he would always carry you home when you were drunk… How he was always the first one to notice when you weren’t feeling well as if he was watching you none stop…

     Why?

     Why was he sending you such mixed signals?

     After all this years, how come your feelings seemed to have gotten through to him?

     Your brain wants to yell at you, that this didn’t make sense, while your heart was telling you that he fell in love with you.

     It was everything you had ever hoped for. But what if this wasn’t real? What if…

     “Hey, are you still with me?” Saeyoung was looking sincerely worried now. You knew that by now, he had been able to piece the puzzle together on his own. His hands were both on your shoulders, and you were forced to look into his face.

     Yes, this was definitely, unambiguously, ridiculously and obviously Saeyoung Choi’s face.

     You start crying and try to wiggle yourself out of his grip, but he doesn’t let you. Keeping you steady, letting you cry through your shame, your shock and your confusion. He looks stern, but he keeps every comment to yourself until you were able to breathe at least two times without starting to howl like a hyena again.

     “All these years, I tried to silence my feelings for him. But now, it looks like every one of my efforts was in vain. Why is fate mocking me like this?! He fell in love with me? Now, of all times? And I – And I-! God, Saeyoung, I really fucked up! I even kicked him!” You were about to cry again, but Seven only tightened his grip. It felt pretty uncomfortable, but it kept you in the here and now.

     “You thought that…. He was me, back then. You thought that I was the one kissing you, because to your brain, it was the most likely thing to explain what was happening.” He sounded so calm and yet a little hurt. And he had every right to. Because first and foremost, you must think that he disgusted you this much, and second of all, you must think very low of him to do something like forcing himself on you.

     Why must you destroy everything that was precious to you? Everytime…

     “Saeyoung, I – I’m sorry. I’m not in my right state of mind. I drank too much and… I know you would never do something like this to me –“

     Seven didn’t even try to hide his sadness at this moment. Letting his mask slip just for you to see. “And what if I were just that kind of person? Would you think ill of me, now? Would you think that I’m disgusting? I thought that after everything, you were the one that would never judge me.”

     You hurt him. You hurt him so much. You hurt him, and Saeran.

     “I’m sorry, it is all that I can say. I’m so, so sorry…” You kept repeating yourself, and Seven kept being silent.

     “My birthday wish.” You heard him mumbling, after a while.

     “What?” You turn your head to look at him, but he was avoiding your gaze.

     “My birthday wish. I get to have one, right? It is my birthday, after all.” He finally rolls up his shoulders and sits straight.

     “s-sure?” what the hell was this about, now?

     “close your eyes.” When he looks at you, you could see uncertainty in his golden eyes, but also something else that you weren’t able to decipher. But whatever it was, it was like a certain command, and you end up closing your eyes, just as he had told you.

      Nothing happens, and you’re about to open your eyes again when you suddenly feel a slight impact on your lips. It is brief as if there was a sudden stream of air that brushed over the sensitive skin on your mouth and it is gone just as quick as it came.

      You hear Seven breathing strange and open your eyes again. He was still next to you, looking at you without moving one inch. Just what was this? Did he trick you? Was he making fun of you? Why were you supposed to close your eyes in the first place?

      You open your mouth to give him a piece of your mind when he awkwardly clears his throat before speaking. “This boy really doesn’t know how to handle his own feelings.”

      Then he stands up and holds out his hand for you to grab. “The defender of justice almost gave in to his own selfishness. But don’t worry, he will still catapult you towards your well deserved happy ending! So, up you go!”

     As soon as you grab his hands, he pulls you up to your feet. It made you feel weird. Whenever he went into his 707 mode, he did to hide his true feelings.

     “So, what about this birthday wish nonsense? Why should I close my eyes?”  you both start walking towards the exit, and he doesn’t turn around while answering.

     “Oh, that. You could say that I took a picture for my private collection?”  A what?

     You doubled your speed to walk in front of him and make him look at you. “You took a photo? I knew you were making fun of me! Show me the picture right now!” You try to get a hold of his smartphone but this man was flexible and quick as a weasel, and there was no way for you get past his defence.

     “Sorry, but I can’t hehe!” He laughs while you desperately tried to get past his hands and grab his phone.

     “And why is that? I have a right to see this!” You yell, and he abruptly stops so that you end up hugging him with your nose deep inside his chest. He smells like the smoking machine inside the club and like alcohol and…and like Saeyoung Choi.

     “Because it’s in here.” He points at his head. “Safely stored for eternity.” He giggled like a madman while you pinch his side a little extra hard to make him feel your pain. “Saeyoung, you’re not making any sense right now.”

     His giggles fade into a low chuckle. “Yes, yes. I know. I guess I’m a little drunk, myself. Oh well, I guess this is simply how it’s supposed to be then? Hm… Maybe in another universe? A parallel universe? Yeah yeah…. Maybe somewhere, in another life… However, in this life, I will give you to him.”

     He frees himself from your embrace and turns you around to face forward. “Run. Run to Saeran. He’s all alone, probably thinking that he lost it all, but he hasn’t. Tell him that.”

     You knew Saeyoung’s mood swings, but he was really drunk. Why didn’t you notice that until now? Then again, fresh air could have this effect on drunk people. Still, you hesitated to go, seeing him like this made you feel weird. Just what had he been talking about?

     You feel a not-so-gentle push from behind. “I said RUN!” And your feet start moving on their own. Before you take the next turn, however, you take one last look towards Seven.

     He is smiling, his eyes firm. The way they are whenever he made a decision. Then he waves at you, and you shyly wave back before starting to run again. A certain conversation with Seven echoing in the back of your head:

 

 

>      “Seven, I’ve been reading this book about macro-universes. Do you believe in things like this?”
> 
>     “What, parallel Universes? Sure I do! You know that I come from outer space, right?”
> 
>  
> 
>      “Yeah yeah, right. Why am I even asking? But seriously now, is the concept of several yous not mind-boggling?”
> 
>       “I find it actually pretty comforting. Knowing that in another universe, I get to be happy because things happened differently.”
> 
>      “You mean, like a different route in a game?”
> 
>      “Yes, exactly. Whenever something sad happens, I think about my other me and know that he gets to be happy in my stead. It makes things less painful.”
> 
>      “But why would it make things less painful? You still experience the pain…”
> 
>      “Yes, but my other me, wouldn’t know about this. He would experience the good things, without having to know the pain.  Because his story is like mine, but somewhere along the way, things happened differently. Like a game branch.”
> 
>      “Basing on diverging decisions that have led up to this point.”
> 
>      “Yeah… as you said, a different route.”        
> 
>  
> 
>                                                                                           

* * *

 

 

     You promised yourself not to freak out until you found him. Figuring things out while running over to him. But when you met the depressing emptiness of Sevens and Saerans home, realisation finally sank in.

     He could be anywhere by now.

     While you were dwelling in self-pity, he could have long arrived home and disappeared.  Like he did shortly after he was released from the hospital back then… Not only could he be anywhere, Saeran was the one person that would be able to bypass any search method to find him. Not even Seven would be able to reach him if Saeran didn’t allow for it.

     You feel the bitter taste of stomach fluid inside your mouth and your knees giving in. This was your fault.

     You let yourself fall flat onto the cool ground of the living room and try to get into control over your body again. You think about the day in which you and Saeran went to the amusement park. You would walk over this famous glass bridge when your fear of heights suddenly kicked in. You remember not being able to move and just cried to no end. You remember Saerans warm hand on your shoulder and his mesmerising words. Having fought through way too many panic attacks, himself, he knew exactly what to do.

 

 

>      “concentrate your breathing, try to fill out your whole body with the air. Try to feel your fingers, your arms, feel like the oxygen inside your blood runs through your veins. Breathe into your arms. Good. Now concentrate on the muscles on your upper body. Try reaching into them with your breathing, now your legs. You can feel your legs, right? They are so strong; they can hold your whole body up on their own. Now breathe into your teeny-tiny feet. Wiggle your toes. Feel how they are still there, functioning like they are supposed to be. They can carry you everywhere. Again, breath into your whole body. And now stand up, slow. See? Let’s go; you can do this.”

     You got this. As you remember Saerans words and follow his instructions, you feel the strength coming back to you. One last, heavy breath, before you stand up again, leaving the living room- floor behind you.

     It is nerve-wracking, but you knew that you had to walk into Saerans room to find a clue to his whereabouts. You didn’t like the thought. Invading someone’s else’s space was not on your priority list. But the more you thought about it, the more absurd this all looked to you. You needed to find him, so you needed to look for hints. Bread crumbs.

     The door of his room is open, but you already knew it would be. There was no way he would be sitting inside of here, waiting for you. You begin your search by opening his closet. It was empty, as already expected. Saeran never was the type of guy to own a whole bunch of clothing. He found it a waste of money. 

     Next was his desk, which was also empty. You notice only now, how sparse his room had always been filled. As if he was always afraid to impose on Seven’s hospitality. Saeran never owned much for himself, and he never wanted to own much, scared of having to give up on it, eventually. This was not restricted to objects only; it was the same with people.

     He was so afraid of wanting something, of owning something, so afraid to lose it all in the end. Was that how he felt about you? Had he… Always been too scared to want you, because he was afraid that you would leave him later?

     Shit, there was so much that you wanted to ask him, so much that only he could tell you, but you couldn’t ask him because he ran away! That stupid, stupid jerk! Leaving you with so many unanswered questions!

     Hah…He was always so afraid of being left alone, but now he was the one leaving you. Again.

     Even after all those years, he thought he didn’t belong to the outside world.

     You hit your forehead. OF COURSE!

     Where were those documents regarding Mint Eye? Seven must have a folder somewhere!

     You walked into Saeyoung’s office space and start rummaging through every corner until you find a folder with the infamous logo on it.  There had to be an address, somewhere. Or coordinates.

     Bingo!

     You pull out your phone and search for Sevens number. No, this won’t do. Seven was drunk and couldn’t bring you, and all the others were at the party as well… All, except for Vanderwood.

     Let’s be real here, even if you call Vanderwood, there was no guarantee that he would bring your there, it was a 5-hour drive up into the mountains. But, what choice did you have?

     You battle a little more with yourself before pressing the call button, in the hope that Vanderwood would answer his private phone and would be in a generous mood.

     It rings some time, and you are about to hang up when you hear a tired “Yes?”

     That was… A start, right?

     “Hey, sorry to wake you up, I guess? Uhm…” You are cut off before you can say some more.

     “Shit, what do you want?”

     Hahaha, that didn’t sound pissed at all.

     “I uhm… need your help?”

     Vanderwood only grunts annoyed as an answer.

     “Come on now, girl. Speak. You woke me up already, so get on with it.”

     Get on with it, alright. That you could do haha…ha.

     “I need you to drive me to Magenta.”

     You hear a loud rustling and a muffled “shit.”

     “Are you stupid? Did you drink too much? Did that dickhead Seven tell you to prank call me? I swear to god, I’m on my way to kill you all!” He yelled so loud into the speaker that you were sure even your neighbours knew by now that Vanderwood was angry.

     “C-Calm down! I mean it. Saeran ran away, and I’m 90 % sure that he is on his way to Magenta! Listen, I’ll explain everything later. Just know that I will pay you…Somehow… Please, you’re the only one I can ask…!” You grab the phone a little tighter, hoping that he would stop yelling at you.

     “What? What happened now? No, don’t tell me, I don’t really want to know. I knew this boy would flip eventually. He was doing so well, though. So wait, you’re saying you’re 90% sure? What about the remaining 10 %?” You heard some more rustling as if he was getting ready. He would help you, right?

     “I uhm…I don’t know. B-But I’m really sure he went there… I hurt him so much, Vanderwood. He must think that there is no other place for him... Please, I’m begging you…”

     Vanderwood sighed a little exaggerated “Shit… It’s that bad, huh? Be ready in ten minutes. I’m on my way.” Then he hung up.

     You grab a flashlight and head outside. This had to work. He had to be there. He had to!

     Vanderwood came with the speed of light with one of his off road-cars. You only blink a little surprised when you get in.

     “What? You think I would drive my Ferrari up this shitty road? Besides, what kind of person did you think I am? It’s not like I hate that nutjob of a boy. At least he doesn’t tick me off as much as his brother. Now stop looking like this at me and make sure to buckle up, this is going to be a long ride.”

     You do as you’re told and try to brace you for the talk with Saeran. What were you supposed to say? Should you run over to him and tell him that everything would be okay? You could, but you needed to know several things first. You were angry. You were really mad at him! Why did he reject you and when did he fall in love with you? There were so many questions inside your head, it was suffocating.

      “Hey, stop looking so sad. It’s annoying, I’ll tell you. It’s not like he’s dead or anything. You had a fight. Things like this happen. Talk it out, throw some fits at him and make up. You two do that, all the time, right?” Vanderwood stared straight on the street, but you felt his intention to cheer you up.

      “Yes, you’re right. But this time is different. I hurt him so much that I don’t know how to get through to him. I might have ruined…everything... But you know what? I’m so fucking angry at him! Why does he always keep everything to himself? Why does he never say what he’s feeling!” It felt good to be cursing like this, and you were sure that Vanderwood could take it.

     “Isn’t it normal for the person you like?” His answer threw you off balance. “I mean, you both obviously love each other, god knows why, but are too scared to do so openly. Isn’t it normal to be afraid to say what you feel when you’re uncertain of what the other party might feel about you?” It still was Vanderwood you were talking to, but the whole air around him felt different. More calm, knowing exactly what it felt like to be in love…?

     “Don’t look at me so strange. It’s not like I simply jumped out of the earth the way I am now. I was young as well, right? But now back to you.  You finally know that he loves you, too. And on the road towards each other, you experienced some bumps. So what? Did you think love was easy? All happy-go-lightly? Should I throw some flowers at you? There is a new bump on the road. Seriously just jump over it.  There will be more bumps in the road, again, jump over them as well. Make it work, talk to each other and think about it together. Relationships are work. A hell of a lot of work. And this work won’t stop, ever. But you get to be together, right? Share the pain to make it less and share the good moments to make them more. And don’t ever look back. If you want to be together, only you two count.”

     The road towards each other, have you walked on it, too, Vanderwood?

     He immediately turns on the volume of the radio and ends your talk with it.

     He was right, though. Nothing could be solved if you didn’t talk with him. Even when you fought, all that mattered was that you would say what you needed to say. And that you would slowly come to understand each other better.

 

* * *

 

 

 

     When the dawn of the new day came, and the dome of the meanwhile dilapidated Magenta building was in sight, you knew exactly what you wanted to say to Saeran. You were ready.

     “So… thank you. I honestly can’t thank you enough for this.” You stick your head through the window after you got out of the car. Vanderwood gifts you with a thin smile before grunting in his usual annoyed tone.

     “Yeah yeah, make sure to remind the nutjob-boy to be especially kind to me for the following weeks. Maybe make his idiot brother clean his room for three months?”

     You laughed, your heart grew a little lighter thanks to Vanderwood. “Will do!” He nods and then started driving again.

     After walking the last hundred meters, you notice Saerans old car standing in the parking area in front of the main building. It might be odd, but you couldn’t help and smile. At least you really knew this kid.

     The door handle weighted heavy inside your palm, and when you enter, you feel the same nauseating feeling you always feel when you’re reminded of this episode of your life. This was, where everything began. Where Rika thought she could save everyone from themselves, even when she was the one who needed the greatest saving. And this was the place that broke Saeran into million pieces, again and again. And still, he thought that this was all he deserved?

     You walked past the corridor that led to the prison cells. The one where they re-educated Saeran when he first came here. The one where they held you and the others hostage, before Jumin and his special Unit stormed the building. And still, this was everything he thought he was good for?

      Then you reached Rika’s “throne room” with V’s photograph of the sun still hanging inside the little alcove at the top of the stairs. All the now broken windows let the rainwater from outside come in, and thus everything smelled rotten, and the whole air felt damp. You wanted to make this your new home, Saeran?

      At least, you reach the room at the end of the first floor, in which Saeran used to code and hack. All the screens were gone by now, collected by the police for evidence, but the curtains still shut out the sunlight, tinting everything into a gloomy green.

      And there he was. Sitting on an old mattress, his laptop on his knees. With red eyes and a dirty suit.

      It takes a few seconds before he notices you entering. And when he finally does, he looks like he’s seen one of his hallucinations.

      “Of course you’d come as well to haunt me.” Is all he gives you as a response. It seemed like he was lost in one of his episodes. When he was released from the hospital, he used to take meds to keep a straight head. Still needing to adjust his mind without the drugs that he constantly had to take during his Mint Eye time. He was slowly able to stop taking medicine and only needed it when he had a setback. Back to being trapped inside his world of pain. It hasn’t been this bad since a year, and you scan the room for his bag. It was sloppily tossed behind him, and you pull it towards you to look for the said medicine.

      He doesn’t even try to fight you as you open his mouth and fill in the fluid. It breaks your heart. He must think that he is back in the past. Taking his “Elixir”.

      When you’re done, you sit next to him and wait. Wait until the medicine starts doing its job, wait for him to say something, wait for yourself to say something. You had made yourself a plan. You were so prepared for what you were going to say to him. But the words didn’t come out. Forgotten in the depths of your mind, as if they never existed.

      Seeing him like this made you realise that you actually could have lost him forever. He could have done something to himself!

      Time goes by, and you don’t dare to move even one muscle, but then he suddenly turns to you as if it is the first time he has ever seen you.  You know that he wants to touch you, but he restrains himself from doing so. You make the first step and pull him into a tight embrace. There were so many things you wanted to say, so many questions you wanted to ask. But right now the only thing you could do was cry. Again.

      You feel his salty tears running down your face, he was crying as well. If you were so overwhelmed with what you felt, it must have been ten times worse for him.

      It takes some more time until either of you is ready to speak.

      “H-How did you find me? And..why?” His voice was small, timid.

      Suddenly everything comes back to you. The confusion, the anger, the love.

      You smack his head, and he falls backwards, his face looking puzzled.

      “You’re such a dimwit! How would I not find you?! I know you better than you know yourself, apparently! And don’t give me this ‘why’ shit! God Saeran, I’m so angry that I aaargh!” You hit his chest with your fist.  He still looked so confused, but you were not in the mood to feel sorry.

      Then he laughs, which fuels your anger even more. “Your fists… Are so tiny!” He can’t stop laughing. After everything you’ve been through, that jerk can’t stop laughing over your tiny fists trying to beat the shit out of him.

      You’ve had enough. You lunge forward and tackle him. He wasn’t prepared for the attack and falls flat on his back, with you on top. He abruptly stops laughing, and you feel another tear rolling down on your cheeks. You both watch the tear dropping down in slow motion and finally landing on his own cheek.

      You’re both quiet, and he cups your face inside his hands. “I’m so sorry. I’m not worth it to be cried over…”

      You turn your head to the side and bite into one of his fingers. “Is that what you think about yourself? You think that you’re not worth it to be cried over? Oh well, thank you then! Don’t you know how precious you are? That so many people love you? That you are important? I thought that by now, you’d know!”

      Saeran closes his eyes. Thinking. Then his posture stiffens and he tries to push you away. “Does my brother know you’re here?” You look for his eyes, but he only stares into one of the corners of the room.

      “What does Saeyoung have to do with this?” You tilt your head. His ear twitches, but he acts like nothing happened.

      “Don’t act stupid. I know that you and him… That you are… Fuck, I know that you’re dating! And I, I tried to take you from him! That’s how pathetic I am. You think I’m worth anything more than dogshit? I am not, because that is just the guy I am. I am greedy, I am selfish and I whatever I love will leave me eventually! So I thought… I let myself not love you. But now, even this effort is in vain."

      So that was…. What kept him the whole time?

      “Saeran, just what in the world gave you the idea that me and your brother were dating?” You almost laugh. Saeyoung has never ever been more than a friend to you. It was him, Saeran, that you loved. You tried loving someone else. You really did. But it never worked. You were stuck with this idiotic tomato head.

       He still wasn’t looking at you. “You-you were keeping secrets, and you met up behind my back, and he was joking with you, and you always laughed at his jokes and….and… He is so much better than me…!” the last part sounded more like he was choking.

      “All of this might be true. But don’t you think, that you should have asked me, or your brother? Don’t you think that I would have honestly told you if I were interested in your brother? Saeran look at me… please.”

      He finally moved his head into your direction, and you took the opportunity to muster up all your courage to say what you had to say.

      “Saeran, in this whole wide world. There is no one I could ever love beside you. I know that you think that your soul is rotten and tainted. But Saeran, I’ve seen everything from your soul. Your good days. Your bad days. And days like this. And even after seeing everything, I can’t find anything repulsive inside of you. You may call me mad; you may call me stupid – I don’t care. Because all I see is a soul made out of gold. It wasn’t you, that didn’t deserve to receive love, it wasn’t you, that didn’t deserve to give love. Those were the things that people told you to keep you small. But you are…wonderful. Mesmerizing. Lovable. You are…Everything I want. Because I love you. I love you, Saeran Choi. I always have, and I always will.”

      You both only stare at each other. Saerans eyes being wide open, having the shock of his life. You meant every word of it. It was embarrassing to say them out loud, but they were true, and he needed to hear them.

     “B-But..” He started to stammer. “So does that mean that you really love me? Not my Brother? Are sure about that? You can’t change later…But what if one day you wake up and decide that it’s too complicated with me? That being with me is just a nuisance and that I can’t make you happy? What if you leave me?”

     You took his hand and laid it on your chest, he could feel your heart beating, and it seemed to calm him down. “Saeran, do you really think that this is the kind of person that I am? I won’t leave you. I won’t ever leave you. And if you want me to, I will tell you, every day until the rest of my life.”

     He looked at you, searched your face but could not detect any lie. Then he took your hand and laid it on his chest as well.

     “Our hearts… The rhythm is the same…” Then your eyes meet. “I can’t promise that I will be a good man. But I will always be by your side… I -  never allowed myself to have something that I actually want. But with you… Can I really have you?”

     You both don’t stop looking at each other. This moment was so pure, so raw, so intimate. How could you ever love anyone but him?

     It was about time. No, it was long overdue.

     You lean towards him and kiss him. He doesn’t respond immediately, but as soon as he does, the salty taste of his and your lips mix inside your mouth. You are both out of breath when you retreat a few centimetres.

     “I’m sorry, I was just so impatient. I couldn’t wait any longer.”

     He pulls you back into his embrace and kisses you again. And again. And again.

     “You don’t ever have to be patient for my kisses again...princess..” You blush as he showers you with many more kisses this night.

     This was your story. And his. And yes, there were many bumps on the road, but in whichever direction you two wandered, it always led back to one another. All the fights, all the pain, but also the laughter and the happy times, they all added up to create this picture.

 

 

> We always want to be the hero in our story, and sometimes it seems like we are nothing but a side character, but you’re not. You are you. And whatever you do, somewhere, maybe after the next bump that life throws at you, happiness awaits you. So don’t give up, even if something starts with a rejection.
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this. This is my first fiction that I ever completed, so this is kind of a big deal for me haha. Anyways, I hope that wherever you are and whichever hardship you're facing, just know that you're worth to be loved. We all are. Always


End file.
